The Brainstorm Project gone Bad
by devilangel123
Summary: In the midst of brainstorming, one author shall face the wrath of the spontaneous characters of a series well known as... ‘Gintama’ Warning: Some spoilers, Shinpachiness, and author abuse inside. Enter at own risk
1. The brainstorming

_A/N: Um, well this was something I really didn't have to post up... I was planning on writing my very first Gintama fic and was brainstorming and putting down what different things I knew about the characters and... it kinda careened off a cliff... :S Not sure if any of you will even think about reading this but go ahead, just felt like spreading my thought process with my fellow readers! Ehehehe..... Oh gosh, I need cranberry apple juice...._

_But yeah, starts off with me going on about what I feel about and how I perceive each character and then goes off a different tangent... Good luck... :X And sorry bout the title, it's really a spur of the moment sort of thing.  
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_Dislaimer: I do not own Gintama... If I did, I would most likely be abused by the characters D:  
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_And on a random note: Say, did anyone else realize that heehawed is actually a word? If not then tell that to my Microsoft word! It's apparently got issues with telling what are words and what aren't. D8_

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Gintama:

**Sakata Gintoki**

(8B love him to middles and bittles of pieces of pistachios!): Main character in Gintama, diabetic, lazy ass, good for nothing, samurai. _X Of course, goes with the flow. But I LOVE HIM! 8D

I really wanna know who would pair up with him.

The main character, with naturally wavy hair which he blames for never being able to find a girl, high blood sugar with a sign hanging in the Yorozuya saying, "Mind your Sugar Levels". Oh, and he's the _danna_ of the Yorozuya.

Let's see, He needs his ichigo gyunu, strawberry milk, daily three parfaits a day, big ass lolly po- oh wait that's only in Gintama universe 3-Z, never mind. But anyways, he needs his JUMP, drives his moped, hits the ninja Zenzo whenever he's out making deliveries. And... Uh... I'll get back to more of it... WAIT! He plays pachinko with Madao! Also gambles, and goes out drinking and comes home with a hangover. :D That's out Gin-chan! Sore wa Gin-san! XD Not to mention he and Hijikata Toushifollow-kun love getting into drinking binges with each other!

**Shimura Shinpachi**

He's the second character to get the most screen time but somehow always ends up getting 8th place in the popularity polls!

Shinpachi: Oi ye! Why are you talking about that again!? I thought we had left that way behind us! Weren't you the one who always shouted along with the title sequence, "Popularity Polls can Burn in Hell!"?

Devilangel_123: Oh Shinpachi, knock it off, don't yell at me just because you're not popular with the readers.

Gintoki: -has finger jammed up his nose- Besides Shinpachi, what else do you do for the series besides set up the jokes for pretty much all the characters?

Shinpachi: Are you guys saying I'm the butt of everyone's jokes again?...

Devilangel_123 and Gintoki: ...-fingers up our noses- Yep, pretty much.

Shinpachi: -depressed-

Devilangel_123: Aw, cheer up Shinpachi! At least you're not like a certain unemployed sunglasses wearing loser who has the same running gag as you about the glasses being his essence.

Kagura: Ah, you don't mean Madao? He's essentially useless in everything he does. He should just be in charge of opening and closing the curtains on his life uh-huh.

Madao: Oi! This girl's telling me to die again! I've already had enough of that everywhere, just yesterday before my boss fired me he said-

Devilangel_123: Anyways! Let's carry on! –ignores the senseless bickering in the background, but a piece of paper flies in front of feet, picks up and reads aloud- "I've been standby outside the Studio this entire time waiting for you guys to mention anything Joi Shi/Samurai related"... –turns to Gin- Oi! Yorozuya danna! This is for you! from Zura! –another paper- "Zura ja nai! Katsura da!"...

Meh, I'm really tired of this now... And my hand hurts –sweatdrops-

So on with Shinpachi's character, he's known as the straight man of the series and sets up the jokes for everyone. He basically stands there and questions why everyone does what they do. Yep, because an anime like Gintama would be lifeless without a Shinpachi character! Yatta Shinpachi! – throws streamers-

Devilangel_123: See Shinpachi! I like you! Just in a different way! – insert happy face 8D-

Shinpachi: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LIKE ME!? All you've mentioned is how I'm the blandest character in the series! –shouts pointing at monologue-

Devilangel_123:... Uh, yeah, of course you are, but that's why everyone loves you... Even though you're still 8th place for over two years.

Shinpachi: WOULD YOU STOP WITH THAT ALREADY!?

Devilangel_123: -gestures towards Gin- Isn't it great messing with Shinpachi?

Kintoki: -looks up from reading Jump- Eh? I suppose it is, but other than that, why do you have my name listed as Kintoki?

Devilangel_123: Ara? What do you mean? I wrote your name the same all this time and you weren't complaining then.

Kintoki: Quit joking with me! I demand you to scroll up! Scroll up, look and then come back and tell me you didn't write my name wrong!

Me:.... –scrolls up and then down- Whoops, my bad you're right, I'll change that right away! :D –scrolls up and changes everything to Kintoki- There! All fixed! –is kicked and head slams into keyboard- aghhorhioa'sdfgvl'flsdh';

Kintoki: THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ENDED UP CHANGING IT ALL TO KINTOKI! THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

Devilangel_123: -lifts head- Ahahaha! Sorry! But that guy over there insisted that your name was Sakata Kintoki, Kin-chan! –is kicked again- alskdjfpoaindf

Kintoki: How the hell are you still able to type like that! What guy!? Show me where and I'll make sure he never sees the light of day again... –cracks neck-

Devilangel_123: -face still implanted in keyboard- Overrrrr Thhhere... –points-

-Sakamoto is off set chasing after girls-

Sakamoto: Ahahahaha! Hey pretty onee-chan! Looking for a good time?

Random Girl: -dumps water on him- No thank you! –walks away-

Sakamoto: -drenched- Ahahaha! Struck down again! Maybe next time! –is kicked and lands next to author-

Kintoki: What the hell do you think you're doing!? Telling her that my name is Kintoki! It's Gintoki! Sakata Gintoki DAMN IT! –grits teeth-

Sakamoto: Ara!? Kintoki! What's up? It's like I haven't seen you in forever! Hey! Someone bring some sake! We're gonna party all ni- -is smacked, thrown to the ground and beaten by Kintoki and Kagura-

Kintoki: OI, OI, OI! Let's get back on topic! Because of an idiot like you, I'm being referred to as Kintoki by that airheaded author!

Kagura: Oh Kin-chan, it's not like people haven't referred to you as that before uh-huh. –continues beating Sakamoto-

Kintoki: Ah!? Exactly whose side are you on Kagura?! This is important! I'm the main character of Gintama and demand to be treated with respect damn it! –fuming-

Kagura: -shrugs- Oh don't get your nonexistent balls in a bundle Kin-chan, uh-huh.

Devilangel_123: Kagura! Now that's no way to talk to Kin-chan!

Shinpachi: -out of emo corner- Who're you calling Kin-chan again?

Devilangel_123: –whispers to Kagura- He's sensitive about being tama less remember? –is smacked again-

Kintoki: Daarega (Who are you calling) tamaless? They were reattached and restored to their former glory for your information!

Devilangel_123: -muffles- mmmmfft, mmwhe? (What were?) –head is grabbed by Kintoki and rubbed against concrete floor-

Kintoki: My family jewels! My pride and joy! The thing third in charge! First me, then sweets and then the greatest joystick in the world!

Shinpachi: -is back up on his feet- Oi ye! Watch what you say! Even though you have her incarcerated she can still switch the situation and have us groveling at her feet like other authors!

Kagura: -sitting, chewing sukonbu- But she's _not_ like other authors. Quite the opposite, much more easy to bend her to our will.

Shinpachi: ...This is just author abuse. Absolutely, and entirely, this should be considered illegal, or some sort of crime....

Gintoki: Eh? It's fine, as long as she gets the picture, and she does. See? All of that and my name's been fixed! –points and nods-

Shinpachi: ....-glasses glossed over- ....really? After all that abuse and more abuse, she finally decided to change your name back?

Gintoki: Why wouldn't she? She knows who's in power around here! –smug look- -looks down at author- Oi! You hear that author!? You know who's in charge, right!?

Devilangel_123: ........................ –no response-

Gintoki and Shinpachi: .............. –stares-

Shinpachi: -glasses glossed and frozen in place- Gin-san? Did you just do what I think you did?

Gintoki: ......... W-w-wh-what are you talking about Pachi?

Shinpachi: Well considering the fact that she's not moving and your name changed back makes it seem like it changed back by default.............

Gintoki: N-n-nonsense! She's just playing around with us like always! –turns towards author- Na? Author-san! –turns over-

Devilangel_123: -whites of eyes showing/blood gushing out of broken nose-

Gintoki: ...............

Shinpachi: ..................

Both: ........................

Kagura: -bursts in- Oi! I'm hungry! Can we go out an- -looks at two- ...What are you guys doing by that closet?

Gintoki: ...Nothing Kagura-san! Why would you assume anything! Hahahaha! –grabs her shoulders and steers her out of room- Hungry? Huh? Let's go out for some Korean Barbeque!

Kagura: -drops look- Yahoo! Let's go, go go! –runs off-

Shinpachi: -slowly walks out of room and glances at closet- ........Gin-san.....

Gintoki: -sweating profusely- Shush! Pachi! As long as you keep your mouth shut! No one will know!

Shinpachi: But we murdered the author and shoved her into the closet!

Gintoki: ...........And that is now none of our concern...... –walks off, still sweating profusely, with Shinpachi in tow-

* * *

(Hours later in the closet)

Devilangel_123: -jolts awake, looks around drowsily- ............. Where am I?

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_A/n: .................How in the world did this happen........... Is a question that I'm trying to answer myself.... :S_


	2. The REAL chapter 1

_A/N: Alright, second chapter! Ha! Ha! Got some of you guys there! Or rather I, personally, want to think of this as the the REAL first chapter. Seeing as how the other 'fake' chapter one was... Not really a chapter at all, with horrible formatting, and dialogue being written in script form! _

_And to all of the readers out there who inwardly cringed and slightly died inside... I apologize, but you will never get those five to ten minutes you took reading that chapter back ever again... _

_There I said it! It had to be done! D8 _

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama in any way, shape, form and amorphous like matter... That is until I get my hands on the DVD's that just came out back in April... 8D _

Sakata Gintoki was in a fix. Nothing could help him now. Not his new edition of weekly Jump, not gambling with his life pathetic buddy, Hasegawa. Not even ten parfaits, which beckoned to him with the enriching, sweet aroma of chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.

No. This was something that none of his usual addictions could calm. Something that transcended all notions of what a normal and heroic Jump character stands for. Something that would ruin his career and send him rolling down a hill like Inuyasha with a magical boulder stuck to his hand by little monkey demons.

He sighed for the umpteenth time that day and ruffled his naturally perm hair, agonizing over what to do, "What to do..." He voiced his thoughts aloud, "And when is Pachi getting back? He was supposed to be back an hour ago!"

As if on que, the door to the Yorozuya burst open and in came limping in an injured Shinpachi himself, his glasses, dangling off one side of his face, and hair snipped unevenly in many different places, "Gin-san!" He panted, falling over front first into the Yorozuya household.

"Shinpachi!" He ran towards him and knelt down, "What happened? You look like hell!" He cried, holding up the pair of glasses that had slid off of Shinpachi's face and onto the floor next to him.

"I'm over here, you dimwit!" He wheezed out, clutching his stomach.

Gintoki looked up from attempting to wrap tape around the pair of glasses, "Ara? So you are!" He prompty dropped both the glasses and tape and walked over to Shinpachi, "So... Did you get the stuff?" He asked, bending down.

Shinpachi coughed, and slowly brought his arm inside his kimono sleeve, "R-right here Gin-san..."

"Good, now that we have this we can-" He was cut off when Shinpachi grabbed his arm and gripped it tightly, "W-wait! Gin-san! You can't go out there!" He cried.

Gintoki stared down at the injured boy and realized that his arm was trembling; he sighed and placed his own hand gently on his arm, "Pachi-kun, you know this needs to be delivered." He reasoned, taking the package handed to him.

It was an ordinarily small box, wrapped in brown linen cloth, a thick piece of string wrapped around the body of the parcel itself, concealing whatever was hidden within.

"This is our last hope! If we want to return Edo back to what it was. I'm sure things couldn't have gotten that bad..." He trailed off when he saw the look of displacement and horror that had settled itself onto Shinpachi's face.

"Pachi... You don't mean that-"

Shinpachi grabbed the hand Gintoki held the package with, "Gin-san..." He spluttered out, "You're our last hope... You need to get out there and stop this madness......." His hand went limp and dropped lifelessly to the ground.

Gintoki, with wide eyes, dropped next to him, "Oi, Pachi! This is a joke, right?"

The glasses youth just lay there, motionless, only the sound of the clock ticking was heard in the background.

Gintoki knelt there, his bangs covering his eyes, and clenched his fists, "Shinpachi..." He gripped the package even tighter than before, if that was possible, "Your efforts won't be in vain Pachi-kun..." He muttered, standing up and striding over to the sliding door of the Yorozuya.

He slowly placed a hand on the handle, and hesitated for a moment, as though slightly scared as to what he would witness and feeling as though the one and only precious and innocent part of him that he had retained from his harsh past will be stripped away with one fluid movement of opening this door.

Casting away all lingering thoughts, the silver haired samurai thrust the door wide open and strode outside.

His first steps to the outside world were... In Gintoki's mind, quiet. Almost too quiet. Slowly yet cautiously he proceeded outside, towards the stairs that were conveniently located next to the Yorozuya household.

'_Seems like there's no one around... At the moment...' _Gintoki thought to himself, all the while stepping down the creaky old steps, one step at a time.

'_Baby steps, baby steps! Don't wanna alert anyone else around here...' _

The perm head was so focused on not making a single sound on the stairs that he didn't notice the dark presence looming under the stairs, waiting just for him. Its creepy aura, circled around the figure, and extended towards the black boots on the stairs, forming into the shapes of hands, creeping. Reaching out to grab hold of its unsuspecting victim.

Gintoki, still counting the steps in his head, froze slightly as he felt pressure envelope around his foot. He looked down and his face scrunched up to that of sheer horror.

"G-g-g-g-g-GHOST!" He screamed, flailing his arms around and running off towards Otose's bar, which was the closest haven, guarding against ghosts, evil spirits and the occasional Sa-chan.

The figure however, was not pleased, having not successfully captured its target. Slowly, yet surely, it made its way out from underneath the stairs and approached the bar as well.

Now inside the safety of the bar, Gintoki, having barred the door shut, slid down into a sitting position in front of it. He wiped the cold sweat that had beaded itself onto his forehead away. When he looked up he stopped.

'_Something... isn't right here...' _He thought to himself, examining his surroundings.

The dim yet quaint surroundings of the usually smoke filled bar had now turned into the sweet aroma of hibiscus... flowers?

Gintoki eyes scanned over the place and his left eye promptly began to twitch. '_The hell happened to the old lady's place?' _

The place had been completely transformed before Gintoki's eyes. The once old wooden tables on the left side of the room where the drunk guests would sit and drink away their problems had been stripped away and replaced with multiple recliner chairs, all elevated to a great height with foot spas situated at the bottoms. All were different shades of pink, alternating from the brightest neon to a gaudy rose color, and were accompanied by hand stitched doilies.

Slowly getting up, Gintoki walked towards one of the chairs and promptly picked up one of the doilies, examining it, waving it around and then slowly brought it up to his nose and took a whiff.

His gag reflexes responded rather strongly; he recoiled in pure disgust, revolted by what he had just done, "Ugh... The smell of old grannies...." He grumbled, flipping the flimsy piece of white cloth back onto the chair, "And to think I should've seen that comin'..." He sighed, scratching his head and took to exploring a bit more.

Suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder, causing him to freeze.

'_Please don't be a ghost! Please don't be a ghost! Please don't be a ghost!' _Gintoki pleaded within his mind, all the while taking the chance and turning around slowly and cautiously.

"Gin-chamu! There you are!" A young girl's voice ringed behind him.

With a sigh of relief at realizing the voice Gintoki turned around to face her, "Geez, Kagura! Was that you by the stairs and by the do-" He stopped and actually looked at the young Yato girl.

'_Is it just me or does Kagura look a little... different?'_ Gintoki thought.

Certainly the Yato girl had... in a sense, _changed_ her look. Her china outfit had been thrown aside and been replaced with a rather skimpy, Gintoki might have added, kimono, one of the ones the reddest part of the red light district known as Yoshiwara would hand out to their young and _bouncy_ and might I add younger of the prostitutes. It reached down to mid thigh, exposing her well toned legs, accompanied with a pair of black leather stiletto like boots, making her a few inches taller. The collar part was cut a bit low, revealing whatever cleavage the girl had to offer, or in Gintoki's mind, whatever cleavage she hoped to show. The kimono itself was crimson red with silver lining.

She slinked up to him and pressed a finger to his chest, "Geez, Gin-chan~ You shouldn't have run away when I was trying to follow you all this time!"

Gintoki proceeded in swatting her hand away, completely forgetting about how she looked and focused on the situation at hand, "It's great I found you Kagura. Listen there's some pretty weird stuff goin' on, and Pachi's upstairs-"

Kagura grabbed his arm and clung to it, pressing herself against him, "Aw, forget about that megane-kun! And let's go somewhere!" She purred, backing him against the sliding screen door.

"E-eh? Kagura? What's gotten into you? Now that I mention it, what the hell happened to your accent? Don't tell me you were faking it for all of these seasons like that freeloading cat!" He replied angrily.

She pressed a finger to his lips, hushing him, "Shh, just be quiet for a minute will you?" She batted her eyelashes, "You have no idea _how _long I've been waiting for this." She said, letting go of his arm and pressing her hands, flat against his chest.

'_W-what the hell?' _Gintoki panicked, '_This! This isn't Kagura! I think I'd rather be with the ghost right now!'_ He wept in his mind, shutting his eyes,_ ' Wait! This has to be... **their** work!' _He thought, his eyes snapped open and his hand was behind him, frantically trying to open the door.

"Oh Gin-chan~" She was now fiddling with his collar.

Gintoki scowled, "I don't think so you... Prepubescent, horny excuse for !" He shouted, tumbling backwards through the door, rolling and landing right on his back.

"Thank sweet parfaits..." Gintoki muttered, wiping the sweat forming on his forehead, "Eh?"

He looked up and saw what looked like Hijikata and Okita across the way... And was that Okita, polishing Hijikata's shoes and staring up at him with adoration? And Hijikata, ignoring him and in a penguin suit?

"What the hell is the penguin suit for!" He flipped himself over and stood up, brushing the dirt off his kimono, "This can't be right, penguins are supposed to be in the Artic..." He murmured, forgetting the insanity behind all of this. "Wait! Pachi's package!" He cried, realizing he dropped it and began searching for it, "It's our only hope!" He gritted his teeth together.

"Gin-chan!~"

He froze, and without even taking the chance to look back, he sprinted in the other direction, '_Shit, shit, shit, shit! Wish I had some strawberry milk right about now!'_

Bam! He ran into something enormous and hard as a rock.

"Ow, ow... Oi! What where you're goin you freakin- Yamazaki?"

And sure enough there was Yamazaki, big and burly, sporting the Shinsengumi Chief outfit, his black hair slicked back and perched atop a pair of dark sunglasses.

"Ah, well if it isn't danna?" He said, his voice a deep, monotonous slur.

"Ah-ha.... ha.... Y-yeah... Well, look at the time, I gotta start headin' home, Ladies' Four is about to start-"

"Oh! If it isn't the Yorozuya!" Another familiar voice sang behind him, "Ladies, why not give him a greeting?"

As if rehearsed, three female voices rang, "Pleasure to meet you, danna-sama~"

Gintoki spun around and his pupils dilated, "Gorilla? Ah- di, Whatever the hell happened to Otae?" He questioned, seeing as how the 'Gorilla' (Kondo), had three women hanging off of him, all waving at him.

Kondo tilted his own sunglasses down and stared at him, "Otae... san...? Oh! You must mean Otae chef-sama!"

"Chef.......sama....?" He faltered, sweatdropping before laughing meekly, "You can't be serious, no matter in what planet, galaxy or alternate universe where our personalities are switched Otae can never learn how to turn her death trap cooking into something even remotely edible-" Kondo grabbed his head and craned it towards the huge television screen, mounted on downtown Edo. And sure enough, there showed Otae, hosting her own cooking show.

Otae: And then take six dozen eggs, start putting them into a bowl, egg shells and all and mix them with love and care!

She proceeded to stir the mixture vehemently, cracking the bowl, breaking the counter and annihilating the camera, which ended up changing the channel to a "Build a Fox Workshop" commercial.

He stood there for a few minutes, contemplating over what had just happened and he hadn't noticed a new yet not completely new presence behind him. The same presence that was waiting for him, underneath the Yorozuya stairs.

With a shrug, Gintoki turned around, and had his face slam into an entirely different substance, causing him to fly backwards yet again. "Damn it..." He growled, "I'm getting sick and tired of this!" He shouted towards the sky, as though hoping for some unseen, godly force to come down and start cooperating with him over a game of cards.

"And so am I..." A dark voice trembled from above him.

He looked up and saw an hourglass silhouette, the bright sun obscuring his vision.

"Who the hell are you?" The silver haired samurai asked, shielding his eyes, and trying to get a better view.

"Oh, you know very well who I am!" The voice thundered, and Gintoki was lifted off of his butt and feet and into the air, "After all of these years of consuming us!"

His eyes widened, "No... It, can't be!"

"Yes!" It shouted, "I am the God of all... Parfaits!"

It suddenly became all clear, a giant glass bowl, with a fruit parfait and a giant silver spoon sticking out of it was towering over the once fierce samurai.

"W-wait! I can explain!"

"No you can not!"

".... That's not something you would know of! Fine then, let's make a deal! I swear to eat only fat free/sweet free parfaits!" Gintoki pleaded, attempting to reason with the large dessert.

"You fool! This isn't something related to your inevitable diagnosis of diabetes! You have been eating us for all of these years! Now it's my turn for revenge for all of my brethren you have consumed and digested over all of these years!"

And without a second thought, the parfait, dropped Gintoki into the swirling, goopey mass of the parfait.

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It was then that Sakata Gintoki, once feared as the Shiroi Yasha (White Demon), leader and founder of the Yorozuya, woke up screaming like a tone-deaf banshee over a nightmare.

He looked around and found that he had fallen asleep on the firm blue couches of the Yorozuya.

With a grunt, he smacked his hand into his face and rubbed his temples and stared at the closet. With a heavy sigh, he lifted himself up from the couch and lurched over to the closet, sliding it open effortlessly. And in that moment, the only thing Gintoki could say at that moment was, "...Where the hell's the author we killed?"

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_A/N: Annnnnnnnnd! There we go! Gosh! Took me forever to write this freaking thing! Had a whole bunch of randomness and then... i don't know just kinda went downhill, down the slope, down and out, down the waves, down with the... GAH! No more downs! Anyways, also for that GinxKagura tidbit in there... I honestly did not plan on putting that in there! Seriously! I find that pairing slightly, a little bit weird, but that's my opinion XP (OkiKagu fan :D)  
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_So, I'm pretty sure this makes no sense right now, but I swear to all that is sugary and sweet! It probably won't for a little bit! Maybe another chapter, once I get to writing it! 8D Which might be soon... Or not...  
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_Feel free to review! I love reviews! Yay! -flails arms around-_

_Oh! And parfait for anyone who gets at least one of the inserts of... I guess bits and things from other animes, games, commercials, internet fandom thingys etc. for anyone!  
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